Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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