So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
