He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
