I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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