Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
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