Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
