The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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