Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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