Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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