Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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