I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
