I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Send help, water and tortillas.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
