Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you didnt know i had herpes?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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