He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
