God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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