i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wish you could order shots online.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
