How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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