When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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