I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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