Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
