nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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