and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
