Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
