and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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