barbara walters just said penis...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
