it's too hot outside to masturbate.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
