does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
