You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
