Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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