Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
there is glitter all over my balls
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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