Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
