I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
