i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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