But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
