i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Can you bring me the toilet please
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
