I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The uberlube is also flammable
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
