Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
