What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
