don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
