Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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