All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
