i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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