Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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