Screwed.edu
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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