I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
