Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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