I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
