I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
