did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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