If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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