My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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