Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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