It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
