sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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